Dear Aznpinoy41

{this is typed as a letter directly to my Maple Story bf, Aznpinoy41 (cj)}
(btw this was typed up like on dec 2nd, but my comptuer was so slow I couldn't post it. I believe this passage really shows a lot about how I felt that day)

You told me you loved me
You asked me why I loved you
But when you see my friend who was just like you
You turned around and went to the other direction

Who is he?
Did you say yes?
Do you like him?
Why did he ask you out?
, you shouted at me privately

You know how we met
and on that same day John also asked me out
It was only 1 little detail I added to describing my friend
but those questions, were your response

You talked to me like you didn't love me anymore
You're words were like towards an enemy who is secretly stalking you
But am I an enemy?

And I said this right back to you
Why does this matter to you?
so he's just my friend
Why are you asking me these questions?

but you didn't want to listen to my questions
you just wanted a straight yes or no to your's
and as well as I remember, this is how it went:

So he asked you out?
yeah
Did you say yes?
no. WHy would I? I've already said yes to you
why did you say he asked you out
well it's not like I asked him out, he asked me out
did I say you asked him out
(I was silent)
did I say you asked him out
well.....no
then why did he ask you out
I dunno
do you like him
OK, CJ I'VE KNOWN JOHN MUCH LONGER BEFORE I KNEW YOU, AND SURE I HAD SOME FEELINGS FOR HIM BUT IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO
do you still like him
he's a friend now
do you still like him
fine, I did
do you now
no

that was it, you list of questions was all asked, all you wanted
but what happens now? what did you think?
I tried to be in your place for a few moments
what came up was jealousy and the feeling of being cheated

But for what? It's simple, John asked me out, I said no, we're still friends; not bf gf
I never went out with him, I get asked out so many times, I could cheat on every boy in maple Story
But I didn't, because I really like you and I wouldn't rather be with anyone else
I don't judge boys by their age, their cuteness, weither they're rich, or have NX
You're a 6th grader, I didn't deny that fact
You're not all NXed out, doesn't make you better than everyone else
And I didn't know how much money you had, I didn't care about those things

I never asked you why you loved me
when you didn't talk to me much that day at the Toy Factory, when you left me
When you mentioned about dumping me, when you chat invited some other girl
No, it couldn't be over now. I thought you said you really loved me, and you're leaving me for her?
She looked at me for 2 seconds, said I was cute, and left
You asked me, if you dumped me, would I be mad?
and...I thought that was it. WHy would you ask such a question.
But you didn't abandon me, you said you never would
then you told me the story of your old gf

And now I think
did you ask ME out because I was just beautiful
or you wanted to make your old gf jealous
I don't know the answer to that yet, but I thought about it after we were silent

What if
after that conversation, I said, "I can't take this"
I closed the chat box
I left your guild
I would block all chat invites and whispers
I would run away to such a far place it would take you forever to catch up to me
Somewhere down the Eos Tower I would hide until the day was gone
Would you come after me?
Would you leave me there in my misery?

Do you really love me, Cj?
If you came down that tower, and you said you were really sorry,
I.........don't think I should accept your appology
How could you be such a jerk?
we fought over some stupid thought that I was cheating on you
That you thought I didn't really love you

Did you recall our happy moments together that afternoon?
You came up to me and gave me a Purple Tube
we all decided to spend our lovely sunday at Florina Beach having fun
We played as teachers at Ludi
But John finally got to lvl 35, he wants to pq, he was at Ludi 101st floor as well
HE says Hi to Cj because he reconzies the guild
you replied that I was your gf
I wasn't sure if he was feeling left out since you said that
but he was fine, happier than ever, he said you seemed cool to be with
But you were the one who was put down
How could you come to such conclusion?


But I didn't leave the guild, I didn't run away
I stayed at the same spot, feeling a hand grabbing everything out of my heart
John said, "let me have a talk with him"
and I waited....
everything is just wrong, I thought. He'll never talk to me now, he won't bother to consider me as his gf anymore. It's best if he goes find another girl to be with. I don't care, I have a million other boys who would want to go out with me. WHy would I stay with him. I shouldn't even stay in thsi cruded guild, I'll go make my own digimon guild now.

Nothing else, but negative thoughts
it was over, well as I thought
then I looked back up at the computer screen
and in light green text, you said "I'm sorry"
I didn't have anything to say
I jsut wanted to cry on someone's shoulder
but it would've been rude for me to say nothing
"it's ok" but in real life I wouldn't
I would still be there crying and believe it or not, I did cry
just small tears, they filled my eyes

my mom passed by, I quickly hid my tears
I closed the MS program for a bit
and after she left, I opened it back up
and you were right there standing next to me
and even thought I didn't run away, I was still unforgivenable
I wasn't thinking thsi whole thing it didn't happen, ever
you seemed normal as normal as you ever will be
but as for me, it still remained in my mind, I didn't know--- I didn't feel like I could talk to you the same way I did before
I was still...scared

You gave me f2 (smile)
I did f2 back, but I really didn't feel it
if there was an facial expression for it, I'd do head down while thinking of something, unsure
and you gave me a kiss
I wouldn't have kissed back, but I did
I wouldn't have kissed you after that, I still wouldn't today
All I would do is cry on you, just a hug, but no kissing

I guess in my heart, I don't feel that love anymore
I lost it when we were fighting
and over time I kinda gained it back
but even today, 3 days after, I still feel unsure
I really love you too
but if we could be easily broken like that...
I...don't know how long we'll be together

If you here next to me right now
I would hold your hand
I would laugh with you like we always did
but I still have that thought if it went the other way
would we still be together?

You were mad so easily that day
I didn't know you anymore
you never talked to me this way before
you reminded me of a digimon character, Kouji
except Kouji was rough before he grew softer in his heart
you reversed it, you yelled like he'd yelled
"Why do you think you're here Takuya? *grabs collar* Answer me! You're just endangering the team more than nesscessary! You should just back off."
"why do you like him. did I say that you asked him out? did I?"

I'm still scared, but I know you meant none of this to happen
I know you love me, but my heart is still wandering in the darkness
How can I fix this? It's like I know another side to you now
I just can't react the same way I did before whenever I see you

Please know that I still very much love you, but the other side of me still thinks about that day.
I'm sorry too. But this can't get out of me.

~Lilamon